vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)
Dear Mr. Rickman,

Today would have been your 70th birthday. And while I still have A Little Chaos, Eye in the Sky and the new Alice movie to see, what I miss most and shall miss most are your interviews. Especially those in the past few years, where you relaxed and really let your thoughts out: about the power of stories, and the responsibilities of the storytellers, of what words mean and how their power is both immutable and chameleonic. I work with words every day, telling tiny little stories--sometimes, even at less than 114 characters. What you said resonated with this other member of Walter Fisher's homo narrans.

The first film I ever remember seeing you in--not the first film I actually saw you in, just the one that made me look you up and see who you were--was ClosetLand. It reached inside my brain and gave it a good twist. When I looked you up, I realized I'd seen you in that film, and that film, and that film, and that film, and, hey! you were That Guy! And I became a fan.

And then the internet *really* took off, and... )

After a while, I realized it was about connections, and the very bones of who I am.

I liked your work, so I let it into my heart and my head. That changed who I am, and that changed all the "could-be" versions of me, as well. The work you were going to do, that I was going to see, and the interviews you were going to give in support of that work, that was all going to change my future "could-be"s as well. Your work and your words were woven into the trellis of my future growth--all those possible "me"s. So when you died, they all died, too. Those hundred thousand possible "me"s--gone. Other possible "me"s are growing to fill in those spaces, of course, but first--they all died.
And that hurts.

Some of the less-than-helpful things I was urged to do, the day you died, was to "enjoy the work he already did" and "celebrate that it existed at all." In many ways, it is little recompense to simply think back on the things that you'd already done. Emma Thompson wrote she couldn't wait to see what you were going to do with your face next. I couldn't wait to see what percolated out of your brain next. After my childhood, I got very ... leery ... about who got into my head, and what they left behind--what they left behind for me to hear at 2 in the morning, whenever I couldn't sleep. But--I liked your thoughts, so I put some of them into my head. On purpose. And now, every time I jostle one, like a broken bone, it aches.

And yet, I cannot bear to be that "me" who had never discovered your work at all.

I don't know what kind of creature I would be without your influence...
but I have my suspicions.

Goodbye, Mr. Rickman.
I shall miss you.


vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- careful to aim this woman)
I don't put much stock in famous people. That song by Ookla the Mok about them being created by us, the public, is just so true.

But Alan Rickman is dead.

I've adored--and I use the term precisely--this man as a person and as an actor and as a thinker for decades.
I sobbed.
Like I did when my dad died.

I am still weeping.

I suppose I should have suspected when he and Rima finally married after 50+ years of living together. I thought it was just smart, long-term planning because inheritance laws in the UK are complicated and expensive, especially with intellectual property.

I will be crying, on and off, all day I suspect.

He was part of my "mind family"--the people who fed my thoughts and my thinking. The only one who will hurt more, I suspect, is Lois Bujold.

Quote Tarot

Oct. 7th, 2008 07:52 pm
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (minerva in mist)

So this whole "people I know having medical crises" thang can Stop Right Now.
Just. Sayin'.

B with her pituitary tumor, D with ALS, M with his brain cancer, J with her car crash, D with her colitis....I sure hope Hallmark appreciates the money!

I never really thought I was very empathic until people I know started hurting. Then I realized that I've just pushed away most folks so I didn't feel so torn up the middle, so much and so often. Bleargh. (And it really is torn -- like my ribcage is corrugated cardboard and someone's just grabbing one side and pulling... Quite unpleasant, really.)

I'm coping okay with it. It just takes me a little more time and energy to sit back and say to myself Perspective!  *snort*  Hey, it works most of the time, so don't knock it.

I've been reading this book called "The Secret of Letting Go" by a guy named, appropriately, Guy (Finley). Very helpful. There are certain phrases he uses that I have underlined and have copied over to my Quote Tarot.

Quote Tarot? you ask.
Ahhh, Grasshopper!

I have an old recipe box full of index cards. Contained on each card is one quote (duly cited). I do a random draw from the Quote Tarot whenever I feel vexed or pressed. (I understand that some people do this with the christian bible...) My Quote Tarot is filled with pagans (yay Seneca!), authors (yay Bujold!), philosophers (yay William James!) and ordinary folks (yay Sophie Veritas!). Random pulls from the Quote Tarot:

"A horse never runs so fast as when he has other horses to catch up and outpace" -- Ovid
"We tell ourselves stories as a dress rehearsal for life" -- MaryAnne, Flights of Fancy
"The present winter is worth an age, if rightly employed" -- Thomas Paine
"Nothing is mere-- Richard Feynman
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart" -- Miles Vorkosigan/Lois McMaster Bujold
"Promises aren't things you give to people; they're things you ask of yourself" -- Sophie Veritas

I'm always looking for new, meaningful quotes for the Quote Tarot. Got a suggestion?


Jul. 28th, 2008 06:50 am
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)
Randy "The Last Lecture" Pausch 

Lance "Olav Durinson" McBride

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)
Seems like I'm one of the few people who had a good time at Coronet this past weekend.

My tent stayed 98% dry (getting some seam leaks on my 8? 9? year old Panther), I slept very warm (yay sheepskins!), I had good clean fights and got to see some warm fuzzy moments. Yeah, it was cold, but the fire was warm. I wasn't lonely at all and I only had to escape the drumming once (there's just something about those big doumbeks that hurts). 

Friday, I was the last of the group on-site. 
Saturday, the tournaments

After that loss, I was out, so I was free to think of the other thing I'd had planned for the weekend.
Yeah. *nod of satisfaction* Yeah.
Saturday, the evening

Sunday, the pack up
Went fairly well. And was 98% un-eventful. Best way to end an event.
Keterlin thinks I ended up with a mild case of hypothermia. I think I got a cold, with fever. That was pretty much the excitement for Sunday.
So that was Coronet.


Feb. 4th, 2008 01:29 pm
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)
"I am a pitiful man, indeed, but I do not pity myself, nor should any other woman or man pity me, for that is one step into mental enervation and even perhaps depravity - and I shall do more than adumbrating my darkest secrets."
-- Garrick Beckett 

Made me think about this thing called Pity.

Made me think about the people in my life who are going through their various valleys:
my friend MM whose husband died in Walmart just before Christmas;
my Rickman friend SF whose dad had a stroke and passed away;
my coworker SB whose husband is paralyzed from the waist down after an accident two weeks ago at his workplace;
and my friend MS, with his brain tumor and his silences.

I hear people say, "That's a pity" about those situations. And I wonder whether that's true.

As always, with words, I go to see what other people are using them for -- the way I use them isn't always the same.

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)

 I had brain surgury,.... ....trip out. Cool Scars. They said I woke up and looked down at my toes and wiggled them and then giggled like a mutha. Life is good.

Potius Mori Quam Foedari
Baron Eirik Hardradi

And, apparently, he's even back home!

Maaaade of awesome

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (goutte-y)
Six years of tradition has the blogger community sharing, and baring, their chests for the best reason they can think of - fighting cancer.

That’s right, the racks are back Oct. 1-8 and they’re committed to raising more than $10,000 in one week by unveiling Mother Nature’s greatest gifts. That’s right, we’re saying it, BOOBIES.

“I love the idea,” says Melissa Connolly, 2007 coordinator, “If someone’s going to ogle my goods, they can at least make a donation to save boobies and lives!”

No one ever said that bloggers were afraid of expressing their opinions or sharing their ideas. Those are the very catalysts that make blogs the influential medium they are today. So when a joke between friends turned into an empowering fundraiser and awareness-raiser bloggers nationwide signed on. And they’re saddling up again for another wild ride in 2007.

In an effort to gain donations for breast cancer research, hundreds of women and men are donating images of their chests for ogglers world-wide to check out. Generous donor bloggers are seriously strutting their creativity in both the clothed and bared arena on

Shall we repeat that?,,,

The passion, the mission and the history are waiting for you to discover; online; today; right now at Don’t worry, all primary pages are work safe.


vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)

January 2016

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