vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (minerva in mist)

"I don't want him dead. I just want him behind me. Miles and years.
I think about him every day, and I don't want to. Dead would be even worse, for that."

                     -- Fawn Bluefield, Beguilement, Lois McMaster Bujold

Dead would be worse, for that, o yes

...perhaps knowing you did not exist in the world
       that the illness in your mind could no longer be spread
       would ease my mind
       console my heart from your selfishness
       and the cruelties your terrors led you to inflict

...perhaps you are already dead
       murdered drug by drug
       seizure by seizure
       electric fire through your brain
       burning out the circuits of moderation, reason, balance
       allowing pain and paranoia to swarm the ruins

...perhaps you never were
       that being of reason, lucidity, sense
       a façade training gave you, or natural bent,
       to manipulate, mislead, beguile
       letting you run away from the thing you trembled to be
       yet always were

...perhaps you are and have always been Rochester's secret
       locked away in the attic
       setting a world ablaze to cut all your commitments, obligations, constraints
       and in the madness of your self-destruction
       lacerating my spirit
       puncturing my heart
       setting me free

...perhaps I should thank you

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

In the first year
             I believed everything

In the second year
             you began to reveal yourself
             baiting me with deliberate gaps
                           disparaging me when I bit
             all interaction under your rules alone
                           sans compromise, sans negotiation
              friendship a word
                              only you were allowed to define

In this third year
              I have spiraled back
              to a life without you
                              the spaces in my life you’d shouldered into and been evicted from
                              slump together and heal closed
                                              as tissue spills back into the cavity
                                              when a tumor is cut away

No one else has noticed
I can still feel the scar.

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

The folder shuffled around my desk
for over a year
opened up and read whenever
I thought I needed bleeding
and old pains savoured
rolled about in my heart’s mouth
like merlot.

I’d suspected you wouldn’t come
for all your declarations
I’d suspected your bravado would desert you
rather than attempt siege in my home
at the fortress of my face.

The rainstorm made the ink run
on your letters, the pages from my journal,
the form with your signature
soaked and stubborn to burn

I watched each brown and blacken
watched your name steam and curl
and be consumed.

I went inside and closed the door.
The scent of fire clings to me still.

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

When you arrived in town
          you left your doors wide open
          hoping we would all wander in and out
          see the place
          and love it

          for all your talk of staying open
          those doors began to close
          some just as I was walking through
                    bruising my cheekbone
                    wounding my breast

          I was barely allowed on the porch
          while other friends
          were invited in
                    and I had to watch the party
                    through the picture window

After that
          I might hesitate on the sidewalk, passing by
          but I didn’t stop anymore
          I didn’t climb the steps anymore
          I didn’t look in the window
                    I didn’t ask other friends
                    if they’d been over, lately

Last week
         you stood on the porch and hailed me
         taken aback
         I came to the foot of your steps and replied
                   then came to myself
                   and hurried on my way

         you stopped at my home
         and asked for help
         I pretended I wasn’t there
                   so you went away again
                   leaving a letter

I don’t know whether to answer it
Or pretend it never arrived.

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (candle on the water)

I am tired
     weary, battered, walloped and wrecked

I am tired
     like a Midwest town
          in the trail of a twister
     looking for all the bits of me
          how did my boot end up in the chimney
          my heart spattered across the walls

I am tired
     of you
     dragging through my life
          uprooting all my trees
          unroofing my home
     turning my skies green
     leaving a sea of debris behind you

But I never told you

My soul was in the storm cellar
And you never touched it.

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)

With my list of "don'ts"
     and my scattered fragility
I am just too... too
     most find the gifts I offer
     insufficient compensation
For them
     there will only be relief
     when I am buried and gone

I bear few surprises to myself
     frustrations, rebellions, contempts, O yes
     but few surprises
Usually I know 
I leap right or leap left under this or that provocation
     but not what to do with what I know

I can hold it in my hand
     this connection between issues
     tell you its shape, finish, corrosion and color
     how it fits beneath my fingers

But no one has come by to say
          "That's a bolt"
     nor hand me a rachet set
All this I derive from context and struggle to determine:
     Standard or Metric?

Or hacksaw?

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)
As the door to you spirals shut
     as it does
          month by month
               drug by drug 
                    silence by silence
I must ask who closes it
     you -- or I?

O I fear that spiraling shut
          that closing out
          for I had chosen to keep loving you
     though it has brought such pain
          and so very, very little joy

So I learn
     it is not the closing out I fear
     as much as the un-choosing which shadows it

If I choose
     to un-love you
     what does that say about me?
     Is my heart too inconstant
          if I can un-choose to love
          and walk away?
     that am I too flawed

So I do not fear you
     or the losing of you
     So much as I fear
          the losing of

For while I miss my friend
     whom I love(d?)
I do not miss
     missing my friend
I do not miss
     missing the hugs
     the kind words
     the smiles
          spread to all except me
I do not miss
     missing the friendship
          that all the rest have
               save I

If I choose to un-love you
     and do not fear myself inconstant...

If I choose to un-love you
     and do not fear my lovingness overspent on you...

If I choose to un-love you
     if I am not the friend
          who, without hope or recompense, loves you...

Who am I?
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (candle on the water)

Call it revenge, if you like
or desperation
that scrabbling desire to see, to feel, to know
that we each have had an effect on the world
but a world made one person wide
and hanging the whole thing there like a sodden trenchcoat

Acceptance validates that scrabble
rejection blows it inside out and throws it away
throws us away, disposable, powerless, useless
leaving broken aluminum branches, torn skins, tangled threads
and debris

And if we can raise no hymnal
raise no chant to the joy in the world
that you would sing along with
if love and companionship, if full virtues
are denied us, and we must live only by such half-measures
of friendship and good deeds
and fade, unacknowledged and powerless

Call it longing, if you like
or re-action, equal and opposite
that if we can be so moved and shaken off our feet
where storms collide in our hearts and drop funnel clouds amongst friends
that your heart is no less shaken and stumbling
no less devastated
than our own

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

Pain is an old comrade
          almost friend-like, these days, familiar
          lurking, always present, waiting
          familiarity breeding its own children, of sorts:
                    habits of fear and withdrawal
          more acted upon, these days, than felt

Emptiness is a rapidly growing intimate
          not born of nor begetting despair, mind you
          a post-explosion langour
                    an absence and a silence
                    and a peace

Pain can fill a world, you see
Emptiness can wash it clean and echo there
          is never big enough

Happiness is...
          well, I hardly know
          could not tell you what it is
          other than what it is

Happiness is a single shining penny dropped in a canning jar
          a canning jar pain silts up
          and emptiness clears out
                    the baby with its bathwater
                    no pain. no penny

And you, you stick around
          because pain clings, silts in
          never lets go until forcibly evicted, rinsed out
There has never been happiness in the jar of you
          only fantasies of feeling it
          daydreaming pennies tumbling in like slot machines
          pouring in happiness so fast some bounces right back out
But no
There sits the jar, your jar, half-silted, half-empty
          and the only penny in it
          is the memory of the echo I once daydreamed
          filling the glass

And I clutch the canning jar, wondering
          is it worth keeping
          what would it be like
                    to throw your echo away?

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)
 You still speak
     the words you think
     I want to hear
Not understanding
     I have put them aside
     put you aside
          with the other childish things

You still act
     as if I had expectations
     of you, to do and to speak
Not understanding
     I have put those aside
     expectations, hopes, maybes and some days
          and Now is all that is

You still seem
     to believe your approval
     is the navel of my universe
Not understanding
     I released you months ago
     looked within, clasped hands, pulled
          and freed myself

You still demand
     a friend's forbearances
     and sacrifices
Not understanding
     that friendship was the one country
     we couldn't talk ourselves into
          we never rode the same rails

You still abjure
     that our trains were headed in different directions
     yours to shrouded cities, mine to revelation
Not understanding
     I am no longer grieving, abject, frantic
     that I missed your train
          and was forced to take my own

You still have not realized
     that I am finally happy on my train
     filled with beauties I have just begun to see
Not understanding
     that if we meet at another station, I am well
     that if we never meet again, I am well
          though you breathe still
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

Ready to offer a whole heart
and turned away at the palisade

Thus, the offer was rescinded
and rather than a whole heart...
none of it
not even a friend's allotment

No, no news of joys or sorrows fall
to the hearing heart behind those fortifications
not to that beating muscle
nor its tale-bearing allies
no news
no raw truths
only the even contented tones
the smooth gripless surface
of inane politesse
and void

But no need to storm the fortifications
already empty, abandoned
its defenders prepared already
to be absent
to be dead

So this path was shown by example
how this obscuring and absence is done
withdrawals and withholdings
distractions, disappearances, denials
and silence

This is merely doing the courtesy
of returning the favor

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (vesta goddess pic)

How tenuous is that boundary
between acceptance
and indifference
between ahhh...
and huh?

How nebulous is that difference
between the unshaken center
and the untouched one
between oh no
and too bad

That boundary
so close
and so porous
that it is easy to slip sideways
unshaken but moved
being harder to balance
and harder to remember why

Yet when the boundary is firm
the walls of indifference are fallen
the center remains
the world whirls about mad and frantic
and the hub lets it spin

I am becoming the hub of the world
and you no longer move me

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (bujold -- choose to be)

"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily."
                                                -- Marlene Dietrich, Shanghai Express

in that breathless moment before the fall
as the dancer at the height of her jete
the plane at apogee

prepared to plummet but never falling
set to slide but never sinking
a stasis of grace

with a barb in the quiver and another on the bow
the arch comeback, the tommygun snark
a Hays Code workaround

yours as holy as hers
casting unspeaking shadows across the now
and the after

does not mean safe
does not mean open

is the only sin left

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (candle on the water)

Death, I am told, is a thief
stealing away time
and the treasures of a life-

an enemy
who comes with a bang or a whimper
with one soft exhale
or the crinkle-crunch of steel turning accordion
I am told

Death, I am told, is a lover
making flowers more sweet
colors brighter
smiles warmer

a friend
who comes when you call her
always listens
and keeps the secrets she is given
I am told

But death, I am thinking, simply is
and no direct object need apply
no word
just punctuation
and whether period or comma
is still a question mark

vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)
Here in the borderlands
    of my experience
    that fog-shrouded strip
        twixt what I know
        and what I know not
In these borderlands
    where I have never been
    each step falls
        to ground
        on a surface I cannot see
        on a place I cannot trust
And the will-o'-the-wisp
        who I followed to these lands
        beyond what I know
        past all that I trust
    its light bobs and dances
        taunting, mocking, ever just out of reach
    it marks no treasure
        no matter what the stories tell
In these borderlands
    beyond the places I know
        I look back to those I do
        I look back to lands
                yet cold
                     yet safe
    yet cold

In these borderlands
    my feet sink into
        treacherous, tricksy, untrustworthy ground
            where I fumble for balance
            hunger for stabililty
            yearn for safety
                and the numbness and isolation
                   I knew
                   so well
In these borderlands
    only fear exists
        only doubt
        only pain
    the stories say
        a bright and cleansing fire burns
             beyond the fog
    the stories say
        that light and hope and even love await
             beyond these borderlands
    if I can get there
        in time 
    but I am trapped 
    in these borderlands 
            with only
            the will-o'-the-wisp
            as my lantern out into the sunlight
    and the will-o'-the-wisp
            enjoys the chase too much
            to end the game   
vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (candle on the water)
My soul slept beneath my breastbone
it curled there, at rest, most days
breathing in, breathing out
a sleeping soul
in the warmth and complacency of these
my summer days
shocked awake
as in recent days
it kicked out its hands and feet
seeking purchase to stand
slipping, falling, clawing back to its feet
staring, wide-eyed and wild
panting, white-knuckled
pressing back against the breath behind it
choking it off
and letting the cold seep in
now it crouches
aware and trembling
watching other souls
beneath other breastbones
drowsing, complacent things
and gently reaches out
to coax them awake
to stand face to face
breastbone to breastbone
breathing out, breathing in
it knows now
too late can come too soon.


vesta_aurelia: Fangirl your Armor (Default)

January 2016

10111213 141516


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 22nd, 2017 08:00 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios